life lately

I apologize for the length of this. You don't have to read it. Just had to get my feelings out.

I feel like my life is a movie. That it's not real and I'm just watching someone else live what I should be living.
All I do is go to bed way too late and get up way too early.
And during the day?
I'm really not so sure. The day gets over before I know it and I'm never sure of what I have accomplished.
I lack the drive to study. I'm just skimming to get by. I don't even pay attention in class.
I think it's time to delete my facebook again.
I hardly even blog anymore unless it's about my missionary. What is this? Do I just not have anything to say?
I guess so.
My savings is going away. I live on my own. I don't really have any friends since I'm still new to the ward.
I miss high school and the opportunities there. I miss seeing all my best friends every day and sitting with them at lunch. Laughing. Talking. Having the best time of our lives.
Why did I ever want to leave that?
Oh well. I had to. And now I'm here. At a big university. Namely BYU. Which is basically a school of people trying way too hard to impress everyone else, girls trying too hard to look pretty and in turn make me look like crap, and where all the cute guys have dumb rings on their fingers.
I cry inside every time I see a cute guy with a flash on his left hand.
It kills me.
Can't my best friend just come home already?
Oh, and my bedroom at home has been turned into a science project. My sister is growing like 10 different things in there, all under different colored lights. It smells.
I want to spend the weekend at home to celebrate her birthday. Her response: "Um, you can't stay here. Your bedroom is occupied."
It made me a little upset.
I also don't like sharing a car. But in turn it's kind of nice because I don't have to pay for gas. But I'd rather not be forced to walk to school because I missed the shuttle.
Campus is a 30 minute walk. And at 7:30 in the morning it's absolutely freezing.
Not a good combo.
Is there anything else besides pasta to eat? Because I"m having a hard time finding dinners that don't involve it.
The days are a blur.
I want to make something and then find out I can't because I don't have sugar.
At home, that wasn't an issue. I miss that.
I miss not having to climb down metal bars just to get out of bed. And I hit my head or back or something every time without fail.
I liked having my own room.
I liked it when I had a savings account.
I liked having my own (kinda) bathroom.
It's kind of nice when you don't have to cook for yourself every night. I think I took my mom for granted.
I'll say it again: I really hate the competition at BYU. It's absolutely ridiculous. I feel like it's impossible to get any guy to look at me because there's so many other girls that try way too hard or don't try at all and still look impeccable. Or they have a ring.
Not that I'm looking for anyone. (I'M NOT.) It's just really really annoying.
I really wish I didn't have distractions like facebook to keep me occupied during class. I have not paid attention once in my physical science class.
Up until yesterday, I had never EVER been on time to my first class. Any day.
I miss texts of support. I miss arms to hold me. I miss being able to express all of this to him and he would always know how to help.
I hate the feeling of loneliness.
I hate the feeling that he doesn't exist.
Does he?
Haven't heard from him in almost 2 weeks.
I mean, I know that's nothing to complain about compared to other girls, but still. I don't want to have to do it.
I miss stability.
I miss music. It's impossible to do anything musical here without the ridiculous competition. High school? Orchestra? Best thing that ever happened to me.
Not sure why I had to leave it.
I think I'll become a super senior.
That sounds good.
I feel like I'm in a world of unknowns. Seeing faces I've never seen. Saying the same things over and over to new people I meet.
It gets monotonous and annoying.
Last night my roommates watched Inception. I think it got to my head.
When will things feel real again? When will I have a home I can call my own (for good) again? When will I have my best friend back? Was he real? I have my doubts.

I'm starting to wonder when I'll wake up.


  1. Vanessa! I love this post. I'm so sorry things have been so tough lately. I've been feeling the same way since the semester started - so I can promise you're not alone. ;) But things will get better, and I'm sure you'll get a letter soon. :) Love you!

  2. Dear Vanessa. I feel exactly the same way about nearly everything you've said in this post (namely about the pasta and music), and this is why I have decided to do what I love at USU next year, because BYU can't give me what I want. Just think about what truly makes you happy, pray, and have faith that everything will work out. The Lord has answers and a plan for you, I promise. Let's face it: you're Vanessa Seamons. You don't really have a choice but to be successful and happy. You're just that incredible. :)
    "In all of living have much joy and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured." --Gordon B. Hinckley.
    I love you dear :)

  3. amazing post nessa :)

    and as for the pasta dinners and lack of wyview friends, you're always welcome to come over here and have dinner! we'll eat something besides pasta.