sneak peek.

Guys, I'm coming back. Don't you worry. I just don't have much to say right now, hopefully I will soon. But here's some food for thought:

N has been out on his mission for ALMOST 6 MONTHS. Granted, it's more like 5 1/2 months, but still. We're/he's/I'm almost 1/4 of the way through.

WHAT?

Freak out session currently going on. I kinda can't believe myself.

the missionary, Mondays, + the Book of Mormon

I'll spare you the details by just telling you that this last week was HARD. Plain and simple. It was probably the hardest week I'd gone through since my sweetheart left. Maybe it was because Ben left? Maybe it was because I was over-stressed? Missing home? Missing my friends and the memories? Overwhelmed with the whole "I have 20 more months left of this... Crap." Either way, I cried a whole lot. But moving on. That's enough details. Just remember that I had a hard week.

I sent my sweetheart a quick and short email Sunday night just expressing my feelings. I wanted him to know right away instead of waiting for 2 weeks to find out I was having a hard time. That's the worst, honestly, not having immediate contact. I just wanted him to know.

So I sent him an email.

His reply a mere 5 hours later (3 AM my time) was incredible. It was happy. So happy. It was uplifting. It was loving. But most of all, it was centered around Christ and the Gospel.

One thing he said was: "Remember this: If you ever are struggling, turn to the scriptures. I promise that they will make things better. You'll find happiness through them. Try just opening up and reading a chapter next time you start crying. Remember that faith can give you hope, happiness, love, and can replace any fear or sadness you are feeling. He loves you. I love you."

Isn't this kid just incredible? He has the light of Christ with him, that's for sure. And although my despairs didn't totally dissipate, they were much made lighter and I ended up having a pretty good day, despite the rough and lonely weekend. After coming home, I opened up the windows to let the beautiful sunshine in, put some sweats on, and grabbed my Book of Mormon to read the assignment for the next day, 3 Nephi 13-14. As I was reading, two scriptures stood out. More like screamed at me that the Lord is there, watching out for me. A tender mercy, for sure.

3 Nephi 13:20-21: "But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."

Now for you to understand why this is a tender mercy, you must know this: From day 1 of his mission, he has called me his Schatje. Dutch for "little treasure." Get it now?

Man, the Lord is watching out for me.

dating.

3 words: I HATE IT.

I'm not entirely sure how to formulate my thoughts on the subject right now because I have so many opinions and emotions running through my head. It's difficult to organize what I want to say. But here goes nothing.

• Why, oh WHY do I only attract boys that are my height or shorter? I want to look UP to you, not feel like if I put on a 1 inch heel that I'll tower over you. Grow a foot, please, then come back.
• Actually, don't come back. None of you are cute anyway.
• I kind of want to wear a sign that flashes "I'm NOT flirting with you! I'm just a nice person who doesn't know how to flip the switch off!"
• I really don't like going on dates. In fact, I dread them. I also dread when I know the words "So, what are you doing on Friday?" are coming. I wish I could just disappear right then.
• How do I tell someone nicely that I don't like them? I'm a chicken. Last time I did it was over text. Shallow, I know. I wish I was more brave and less afraid of hurting someone.
• Can I wear another sign that says "I have a missionary, I do NOT want to talk to you." Please?
• Along those lines, I already have a best friend. I have someone who already loves me and whom I love. I find it rather pointless to go on dates when I already have that. Why try again? Start at ground zero? It took us two years to get to this point. I'd rather stick with what I have than go through all that time to make a new best friend.
• I wish that when I am sitting alone somewhere that I had a neon sign that says "Leave me alone. I don't want to talk to you." But no, apparently my headphones and staring at the computer screen with a textbook and notebooks sitting next to me AND completely avoiding eye contact aren't enough.
• Sometimes I really hate the university I attend because everyone (all the girls) have to look so much prettier than me all the time. I feel like they get all the attention from the cute boys. I feel like I'd have an easier time liking someone and being willing to go on a date with them if they're cute. Guess I have to get them to look at me first.

I know this post may seem very pessimistic and unnecessary. I do have to say this: that I wouldn't mind dating. I wouldn't mind having a boyfriend because frankly, it sucks to have your best friend halfway across the world. I'll be the first one to admit I miss holding hands, cuddling and things like that. I'd like to find that again. But it seems rather impossible seeing as I've only been attracting short, unattractive nerds.

Does that sound completely wrong? Rude? Offensive? Maybe. But I really just needed to get that out.

I miss having all the things that dating and having a best friend brings. It seems like a daunting task to start all over with someone else when I know I have what other people spend forever looking for.

I think that's all I had to say. This may be updated, so check back to see if it is. Thanks for listening to me rant.

i feel like i say it too much

But I love my best friend.
And I love letters.

Sorry if this gets annoying.

three weeks.

You know, it was really odd. I opened my blog and saw that it had been 21 days since I'd been with my best friend. 3 weeks guys! And then I looked up at the clock... it was 1:25. On the dot. Do you know what 1:25 means? Niall entered the MTC at 1:25 (that was his scheduled time).

So.

That basically means that at the precise moment I opened my blog, my eyes somehow decided to migrate to the clock, making that distinct moment EXACTLY 3 weeks since he left. ON. THE. DOT.

How often does that happen?

I just kinda got creeped out for a second. But in a good way of course!

Happy 3 weeks :)

just a little somethin' somethin'

I figured I gotta take advantage of same-day shipping (and cheap, for that matter) to the MTC from any UPS in Utah! This week is Thanksgiving and I thought I'd spoil my bff who is working so hard in the MTC and learning a lot by sending him a package!

These are some of his favorite foods/candy.

Also, I recently did my hair different and thought he should see! So I'm sending two pictures that my mom took of me {mainly cause I couldn't decide which I liked better} as well as a picture from his farewell that he hasn't seen yet.

And I threw in some cinnamon&sugar almonds just cause they're delicious!

Here ya go, babe. Enjoy :)

This is what it'll look like when he opens it!! hehe :)

Please ignore the fact that there's two of this picture... I couldn't figure out how to get it off!

I spoke too soon!

Here it is, ladies and gentlemen:

Hey You :-)

I've been writing all week and will throw an epic letter in the mail tomorrow! Write me more! It's fun :-) I miss it! I'll hear from you soon!

Um, yes. This was in my INBOX. It's nothing really, but made me so flipping excited. I had written him twice (first and second days in the MTC) and I figured I would back off so as not to distract him. It was good to hear that he wanted me to write him :) Oh I love the kid!

i miss him.

him.

Yesterday, he got his suits. A few days ago he went through the temple.

Reality is hitting me. I'm losing my best friend for 2 whole years.

2 freaking years! That's such a long time.

We've been together for 2 years. We have two weeks left together. And then the next 2 years of our relationship will be spent apart.

I cannot tell you how scared I am.

But I came to a realization the other day... And it was a rather smack in the face.

For the longest time I had been complaining that he was leaving and I kept telling him I didn't want him to go and leave me behind.

I didn't want to support something that was going to separate us.

And I still don't. But I need to.

And for some reason, it's getting easier.

I mean, come on. LOOK AT HIM! Granted, he's making a silly face, but oh my gosh he's so attractive to me.

As soon as I saw this I burst out into tears because I was so proud of him and so excited for him to serve. I know he's excited beyond belief and I need to try to support him even though it's hard.

Seeing this picture made me sad, but also brought great comfort to me.

He's going to be serving the Lord.

The Lord will protect him in every aspect.

He will grow so much (and I'm hoping I can grow enough that he wants me when he gets back...) and have the greatest experiences that he won't receive anywhere else.

I'm happy for him.

Even though it's hard for me to say that, I need to.

He is my best friend. And I need to treat him like that.

I need to support him no matter what.

No matter how hard it will be for me and how much I will have to bite my tongue.

He loves me. And I love him.

And think about it: He serves the Lord for two years and then when he gets back, I get him for eternity. Eternity, people.

{if all works out like I would like it to. fingers crossed!!}

I love him.

the kid i can't stop thinking about.

Hiking Mt. Timpanogos, Summer 2011.

I love him with all my heart.

{please ignore the fact that this was around 7:30 in the am after hiking since 1:00 earlier that morning. We were dirty, exhausted, and well, pretty much dead. But it was so fun.}

the call.

Yes, I know. I've been talking all about missions lately.

But it all came so quickly around the same time that I can't help it.

My best friend has been called to serve.

In the Belgium/Netherlands mission, speaking Dutch!

He is so excited to go.

And it's hard.

It makes me so happy to see him so excited to go,

but then it makes me sick inside that he's so happy to leave me.

I know he's not leaving me intentionally, but it just seems that way.

It still doesn't seem real, but now all I can think about is Belgium/Netherlands mission...November 2nd...he's thrilled...I'm not as much...I'm losing my best friend...He's missing my birthday...mission...Where did the time go?...It's here...Let the countdown begin...NOOO!...November 2nd...Belgium/Netherlands mission...

Over and over and over in my head.

I feel like a jerk for not wanting him to leave me.

I feel like a selfish friend for getting upset and not being supportive.

I just don't know what to think or do anymore.

89 days left.