thoughts.

This will be in no way organized because I just don't have time. But I need to say something somewhere to anyone who will read.

Having a missionary is draining. Hard work. An emotional rollercoaster. Something I'm not sure why I agreed to. Overwhelming. Frustrating. Lonely. Very lonely.

Sending off a best friend, who isn't said "missionary" but someone whom you love dearly is equally as difficult as previously said.

Often times I just want to give up. I'm sick of goodbyes. I'm sick of dreaming of past memories. I want those experiences back and at my fingertips. It's frustrating and sad to know that they'll never come back but only fade away with time. That things won't be the same. That friends will drift apart and leave you behind. It's just plain HARD.

This morning I was able to attend the temple with one of my best friends who is departing for the MTC tomorrow. Just me and him. Family file names. All 25 of them completed. We sat close to each other, he would put his hand on my back, I would hold onto his arm as we walked in the snow. It's safe to say I love him.

He will be a wonderful missionary.

But sometimes, I wish goodbye and being separated wasn't necessary.

It's okay to say I've been crying a whole lot these past few days.

Out of sadness and happiness. Out of reminiscing in memories. Out of love.

Good luck, Elder Driggs. I know you'll do great things.

See you in 2.

dating.

3 words: I HATE IT.

I'm not entirely sure how to formulate my thoughts on the subject right now because I have so many opinions and emotions running through my head. It's difficult to organize what I want to say. But here goes nothing.

• Why, oh WHY do I only attract boys that are my height or shorter? I want to look UP to you, not feel like if I put on a 1 inch heel that I'll tower over you. Grow a foot, please, then come back.
• Actually, don't come back. None of you are cute anyway.
• I kind of want to wear a sign that flashes "I'm NOT flirting with you! I'm just a nice person who doesn't know how to flip the switch off!"
• I really don't like going on dates. In fact, I dread them. I also dread when I know the words "So, what are you doing on Friday?" are coming. I wish I could just disappear right then.
• How do I tell someone nicely that I don't like them? I'm a chicken. Last time I did it was over text. Shallow, I know. I wish I was more brave and less afraid of hurting someone.
• Can I wear another sign that says "I have a missionary, I do NOT want to talk to you." Please?
• Along those lines, I already have a best friend. I have someone who already loves me and whom I love. I find it rather pointless to go on dates when I already have that. Why try again? Start at ground zero? It took us two years to get to this point. I'd rather stick with what I have than go through all that time to make a new best friend.
• I wish that when I am sitting alone somewhere that I had a neon sign that says "Leave me alone. I don't want to talk to you." But no, apparently my headphones and staring at the computer screen with a textbook and notebooks sitting next to me AND completely avoiding eye contact aren't enough.
• Sometimes I really hate the university I attend because everyone (all the girls) have to look so much prettier than me all the time. I feel like they get all the attention from the cute boys. I feel like I'd have an easier time liking someone and being willing to go on a date with them if they're cute. Guess I have to get them to look at me first.

I know this post may seem very pessimistic and unnecessary. I do have to say this: that I wouldn't mind dating. I wouldn't mind having a boyfriend because frankly, it sucks to have your best friend halfway across the world. I'll be the first one to admit I miss holding hands, cuddling and things like that. I'd like to find that again. But it seems rather impossible seeing as I've only been attracting short, unattractive nerds.

Does that sound completely wrong? Rude? Offensive? Maybe. But I really just needed to get that out.

I miss having all the things that dating and having a best friend brings. It seems like a daunting task to start all over with someone else when I know I have what other people spend forever looking for.

I think that's all I had to say. This may be updated, so check back to see if it is. Thanks for listening to me rant.

goodbye

With a rather anticlimactic ringing in of the new year, I said goodbye to 2011. A huge part of me is upset and sad. 2011 was probably the best year of my life, despite one major thing. In 2011 I accomplished great things and made memories that mean everything to me and that I want to keep with me forever. I feel like a huge part of me has just been ripped away only to have a new year replace it. I had the greatest experiences this year. The most sad part about leaving 2011 is leaving behind my high school days and the friends that were there through it all. We're all going our separate ways, most likely not to see each other a whole lot in the future. But, although I may feel melancholy and upset that 2011 is gone, I know that 2012 will only bring me the freshest start anyone could ask for.

In 2011 I:
Played in the Utah All-State Orchestra in Abravanel Hall {January}
Played in a district honor choir/orchestra under the direction of Dr. Ryan Murphy, director of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir {January}
Went to my senior prom with my best friend in the best dress anyone could dream of {March}
Toured with my highschool orchestra to Disneyland where we took first place and I was asked to receive the award on the stage where the play Aladdin takes place {April}
Scored a 5 on the AP music test and a 4 on AP calculus {May}
Wrote my first 12 page paper {May}
Graduated American Fork High School {June} and said goodbye to the incredible memories and friends that I made there. I cannot even begin to describe the magnificent experience I had at that high school.
Traveled to the West Coast and stayed at the longest beach in the world {July}
My best friend received his mission call to the Belgium Brussels/Netherlands mission {August}
Started college at BYU {August}
Finished the entire Book of Mormon in 3 months {August-November}
Said "see ya later" to my best friend {November}
Completed my first semester of college with one A-, 2 B+'s, one B, and one C-. {December}
Celebrated my birthday and Christmas in the most chill way possible {December}

In 2012 I will:
Move out of my house
Make new friends
Go an entire year without seeing or being with my best friend
Become a junior in college
See my uncle and cousin from Germany for the first time in over 10 years and his new wife and baby for the first time ever
Travel to California with a friend
Celebrate my 20th birthday. 2 decades, baby!

Goals for 2012:
Go to New York City for New Year's
Take a picture every day
Document more
Write in my journal at least once a week
Read the Book of Mormon twice
Be more careful with what I say
Be less criticizing and more forgiving
Serve more
Let go of my pride
Practice my violin more
Attend the temple at least once a month
Write a letter a week
TRAVEL
Learn how to budget my money
Waste less time and study more
and BE HAPPY.

Happy New Year's, all. May 2012 bring you everything you could ever ask for. As for me, I'm ready to take it on.

and so it ends

The first semester of "higher education,"

...

the first time not going to school at dear old AF High

...

making memories with the incredible friends whom I love and miss so much.

...

And so ends the first time being in classes with over 100, and occasionally 600, people.

...

The first semester where grades didn't matter to me so much

...

where I learned what it was like not to always do well

...

and I got my first C.

...

And so ends the semester of way too many tears

...

prayers of despair and loneliness

...

and facades to hide the hurt I was feeling.

...

So ends the semester of losing my best friend

...

to the Lord

...

but still feeling hurt and sadness.

And here's to the beginning of a new semester.

One in which I will try even harder to do my best.

One where I'll study more because I actually know what I'm doing

because I've done it before.

And so begins a semester for which I'll enjoy being on campus because my best friend will no longer be a 5 minute walk away yet there is a bajillion feet high brick wall separating us.

A semester where we'll both be living the lives we're supposed to live yet remaining best friends.

And so begins a semester of living in a new home away from home.

Where I'll be on my own.

Living the life of a college student.

Living like a real adult.

Buying my own food.

Going to bed whenever I want.

Doing whatever I please whenever I please.

And best of all?

Writing my own, new story.

presents, presents, presents

Disclaimer. This post is long. And cheesy. But if you're one of those who is interested in my life, please read. There are pictures! You won't be disappointed :)

GUYS.

I cannot even TELL you how happy I am right now!

So I took my first final today... the one I was most worried about. I was a little down until I came home and saw a surprise on my spot at the table...

Guess what it was?

A LETTER. But not any ordinary letter. It was thicker than before and I was rather surprised that I would even get anything on a Monday since he writes on p-days and I get them by Thursday. BUT. It was something that I did not ever expect to come. It was a birthday present! To me! Yes, you heard right. And I know, it may sound cheesy, but it was the best. And it wasn't even that much. But... he sent me 6 pictures!!! YES! 6! I cannot even tell you how happy that made me. I cried out of sheer joy and love while looking through them. He looks sooo good! And then he wrote me 8 little notes, kind of a timeline of our relationship. Starting from when he first started crushing on me. THE cutest thing ever. It brightened my day like you wouldn't believe.

Okay, enough of the mushy stuff.

So as many of you know, I'm putting together a 12 days of Christmas package for him. And I was waiting on one last thing... something that I ordered. It wasn't supposed to come until tomorrow and I was getting worried it would get to him too late. BUT. Lo and behold, the delivery man showed up tonight! And because of this, I scrambled to put everything together so I could mail it to him tomorrow.

I spoil the kid! So much! But I love every minute of it :)

Here's the package! And details to explain it:

So this is the loot! All waiting to be wrapped... I'll tell you what they are next! Refer to this picture to know what the things actually look like.

Now they're wrapped! Here they are:

1. Twirl-A-Tie. It's a circular tie holder that he can hang up in his closet! This was the thing I ordered. It was only 4 bucks! And got here tonight! Made my night :)

2. My mom's cinnamon n' sugar roasted almonds. They are to die for. And she found this cute tag on pinterest that says "reindeer poop" so we put that on them!

3. A rice bag. It'll keep him warm! And help any aches and pains and sick stomachs that he may have while away. My mom took the reigns on making this because she's the only one that can successfully navigate our dying sewing machine.

4. A bag of dried apples. I made those with my mom the day he left! So they're made with extra love :)

5. A mini missionary handbook. It has all their main rules and it's in a cool white case. It also has a place where he can put all his contact information in case something happens to him.

6. A tin of my mom's famous German cookies! There are German sugar cookies in the bottom and then almond cookies on top (you can see those in the above picture).

7. A Belgium flag tie pin! I couldn't find one of the Netherlands flag, so this was the best I could do.

8. Swedish fish!

9. Another tie pin. This one is a circular one that says his mission--Belgium Brussels Netherlands Mission with the Angel Moroni in the middle. It's about the size of a dime but cost me much more than that!

10. Flavor blasted goldfish. Yes. These things are our tradition :) He would ALWAYS bring a bag to me whenever I was sick or upset. The best thing ever. Some serious comfort food right there.

11. A wicked cool tie. I seriously love the colors!

12. And finally... a photo frame with a ton of printables. Some are from pinterest but a lot of them I made myself from quotes I thought would help him. I really like this picture and hope it's a good one to finish off the 12 days of Christmas with!

I also stuck little stickers that say "I love you" or "cutie" or "I adore you" on the outside of a few packages :)

Me and my partner in crime. But I can't forget my mom (who was in bed at this point) because she wrapped all the presents! Dexter, my little brother, chose all the number stickers and put them on each package.

D and our handiwork!

Directions and a little note :)

The finished product! I am so excited for it that I almost don't want to send it. I just wanna keep staring at it... I hope he likes it as much as I do :)

him.

Yesterday, he got his suits. A few days ago he went through the temple.

Reality is hitting me. I'm losing my best friend for 2 whole years.

2 freaking years! That's such a long time.

We've been together for 2 years. We have two weeks left together. And then the next 2 years of our relationship will be spent apart.

I cannot tell you how scared I am.

But I came to a realization the other day... And it was a rather smack in the face.

For the longest time I had been complaining that he was leaving and I kept telling him I didn't want him to go and leave me behind.

I didn't want to support something that was going to separate us.

And I still don't. But I need to.

And for some reason, it's getting easier.

I mean, come on. LOOK AT HIM! Granted, he's making a silly face, but oh my gosh he's so attractive to me.

As soon as I saw this I burst out into tears because I was so proud of him and so excited for him to serve. I know he's excited beyond belief and I need to try to support him even though it's hard.

Seeing this picture made me sad, but also brought great comfort to me.

He's going to be serving the Lord.

The Lord will protect him in every aspect.

He will grow so much (and I'm hoping I can grow enough that he wants me when he gets back...) and have the greatest experiences that he won't receive anywhere else.

I'm happy for him.

Even though it's hard for me to say that, I need to.

He is my best friend. And I need to treat him like that.

I need to support him no matter what.

No matter how hard it will be for me and how much I will have to bite my tongue.

He loves me. And I love him.

And think about it: He serves the Lord for two years and then when he gets back, I get him for eternity. Eternity, people.

{if all works out like I would like it to. fingers crossed!!}

I love him.

weekly gratitude.

I'm gonna be quick here because my time with him is short and it's really inhibiting my ability to be happy and find the positives in life. It's hard. But here we go.

I'm thankful for:

{1} My mom's artisan bread. Um. Absolutely divine. So glad I still live at home!

{2} My geography TA's who put on an amazing review session that helped me get the grade I did on my midterm (89% baby... highest score yet!!)

{3} Good friends and football games

{4} My fellow ward members. Even though I don't know any of them, their testimonies are inspiring.

{5} My down comforter. Ah. Finally put it on and it's so comfortable and makes sleeping in my dungeon room more bearable in the cold weather.

That's about it, guys. I need to get better at this.

3 weeks left.

weekly gratitude.

I nearly forgot! Good thing I remembered :)

This week I am grateful for:

{1}:

And most important... GENERAL CONFERENCE. Even though I often fall asleep, it's one of the best weekends ever. I love it.

{2}:

Having my cousin over here for Conference weekend. He moved out from Ohio to go to BYU and we're his only family out here. So he spends a lot of time with us. He's so fun!

{3}:

BYU football. And 15 second miracles.

{4}:

The beautiful fall colors!

{5}:

My best friend who always puts up with this time of the month so well.

{6}:

Having another best friend come down from USU to visit. Man, what a great weekend with her and everyone in the "group".

{7}:

Stretchy pants. They help me play the cereal box game well. And I win.

{8}:

My strong piano hands. Because that way, everyone complains when they get in my chair because they can never get out. I'm too quick and strong. Muahaha!

{9}:

Kind friends who offer me rides to school every day so I don't have to ride the bus and get there half an hour later.

{10}:

A possible 6 extra weeks with my best friend.

I'm loving this! It really makes me think hard about things I'm grateful for and then notice all the blessings I have. I am so blessed even though I don't always see it!

my friends are my enemies.

Well, last night was the BYU vs. Utah State game. Not much to say about it except for two things:

{1} I have so many friends that are up there, thus making it weird to play against their team when we were all on the same team in high school.

{2} WE WON! Holy crap that was the most insane and lucky last 15 seconds ever!! And guess what else?

I STORMED THE FIELD.

Yep, be jealous. Here's proof:

pardon the pictures.

Viewer discretion may need to be advised.

And please don't judge.

But I'll have you know, these pictures are the first ones of my freshman year at BYU!

And they were all taken on my ipod. So the quality is bad.

But nonetheless, they show that I am having a great time.

And honestly, I am.

BYU is going to rock my life.

no one said it would be easy.

I feel like the last few days have been bombarded with one word:

mission.

Everyone and their dog is getting their call, farewells seem to be every Sunday, and lives are going separate ways.

I've grown up all my life being so proud of missionaries and what they do. It never used to bother me to hear the word.

And it still shouldn't.

But every time that word is said or someone posts about their call on facebook,

I get sick.

I never thought it would be so hard to see someone else so excited to serve. He's so excited and because of that, it just makes the whole thing worse. I know he's not excited to leave me, but of course that's what it seems like.

I'm trying to be positive--trying to support him and be excited for him too.

I know it's the right thing, I know, but it's hard to let your best friend go.

His call should come in the next few weeks.

I feel like at that point, there's going to be a wall between us.

I feel it coming.

And I'm scared.

Scared to go on without him--the one who's always by my side helping me through everything. The one who knows all about me and more. The one I love most.

Because of this, I'm starting to hate missions.

I know I shouldn't, but hey, who can help it when it's going to take your best friend?

my best friend.

is someone that reminds me a lot of someone else.

He reminds me of Christ.

He tries to comfort me constantly.

He always has a positive attitude even when mine plummets.

He's always there to make me feel better and to feel less alone.

Similar? I think so.

He understands that maybe I was just having a bad day. Maybe things weren't going right.

Even though I say hurtful things and cause him heartache, he still understands.

I can get so mean sometimes. And try to hurt him to make me feel less lonely.

Sometimes I get scared of the future. I get scared of the day when I will no longer have my best friend to wake up to. To talk to all the time.

And I take my frustrations out on him.

While it may hurt him for a day, he always wakes up the next morning saying

I forgive you 100 percent.

I have the best best friend in the world.

In fact, I have two of the best friends a girl could ever have.