dating.

3 words: I HATE IT.

I'm not entirely sure how to formulate my thoughts on the subject right now because I have so many opinions and emotions running through my head. It's difficult to organize what I want to say. But here goes nothing.

• Why, oh WHY do I only attract boys that are my height or shorter? I want to look UP to you, not feel like if I put on a 1 inch heel that I'll tower over you. Grow a foot, please, then come back.
• Actually, don't come back. None of you are cute anyway.
• I kind of want to wear a sign that flashes "I'm NOT flirting with you! I'm just a nice person who doesn't know how to flip the switch off!"
• I really don't like going on dates. In fact, I dread them. I also dread when I know the words "So, what are you doing on Friday?" are coming. I wish I could just disappear right then.
• How do I tell someone nicely that I don't like them? I'm a chicken. Last time I did it was over text. Shallow, I know. I wish I was more brave and less afraid of hurting someone.
• Can I wear another sign that says "I have a missionary, I do NOT want to talk to you." Please?
• Along those lines, I already have a best friend. I have someone who already loves me and whom I love. I find it rather pointless to go on dates when I already have that. Why try again? Start at ground zero? It took us two years to get to this point. I'd rather stick with what I have than go through all that time to make a new best friend.
• I wish that when I am sitting alone somewhere that I had a neon sign that says "Leave me alone. I don't want to talk to you." But no, apparently my headphones and staring at the computer screen with a textbook and notebooks sitting next to me AND completely avoiding eye contact aren't enough.
• Sometimes I really hate the university I attend because everyone (all the girls) have to look so much prettier than me all the time. I feel like they get all the attention from the cute boys. I feel like I'd have an easier time liking someone and being willing to go on a date with them if they're cute. Guess I have to get them to look at me first.

I know this post may seem very pessimistic and unnecessary. I do have to say this: that I wouldn't mind dating. I wouldn't mind having a boyfriend because frankly, it sucks to have your best friend halfway across the world. I'll be the first one to admit I miss holding hands, cuddling and things like that. I'd like to find that again. But it seems rather impossible seeing as I've only been attracting short, unattractive nerds.

Does that sound completely wrong? Rude? Offensive? Maybe. But I really just needed to get that out.

I miss having all the things that dating and having a best friend brings. It seems like a daunting task to start all over with someone else when I know I have what other people spend forever looking for.

I think that's all I had to say. This may be updated, so check back to see if it is. Thanks for listening to me rant.

awkward.

Conveniently it's Thursday, so awkward Thursday? Got nothing too awesome, however, besides the fact that BYU kicked USU's butt in soccer today!

Anyways.

Today around 3 I was sitting on the couch doing some homework. I didn't have any makeup on but luckily I had done my hair.

Someone drives up and parks.

A guy gets out and starts walking up the driveway.

I peer at him and realize ... "Oh. My. Gosh. It's Jordan."

He knocked. I kinda sat there freaking out. I mean, I didn't have any makeup on and I was in sweats! No way presentable to a boy I hardly know.

I answer it. And he practically invites himself in.

What the heck are you doing here, Jordan? Just leave me alone. I don't really like you and I can tell you are all googly-eyed over me. That kind of turns me off.

So he tells me this story about how he got a new job at ASD working as a substitute teacher. He then said he was getting sworn in next week to be in the Airforce. I congratulated him. But the whole time I was thinking "Why are you telling me this? Why are you here?"

A few minutes later, the truth comes out. Apparently his job didn't approve of the jeans he was wearing--they were light and had rips in them, so classy--and he was in need of some new ones. So he asked me to come with him (smooth, right?).

Wait a second. GO SHOPPING WITH HIM?? I hardly know the kid! We've been on one date! How awkward is that?

I could hear snickering coming from the kitchen.

I politely said no. And I had a good reason! I started teaching at 3:30. 20 minutes isn't enough to go shopping. (And to be honest, I didn't really want to...)

What is this? I really hope I'm not giving off any vibes. Cause I'm really not.

Ugh.