the missionary, Mondays, + the Book of Mormon

I'll spare you the details by just telling you that this last week was HARD. Plain and simple. It was probably the hardest week I'd gone through since my sweetheart left. Maybe it was because Ben left? Maybe it was because I was over-stressed? Missing home? Missing my friends and the memories? Overwhelmed with the whole "I have 20 more months left of this... Crap." Either way, I cried a whole lot. But moving on. That's enough details. Just remember that I had a hard week.

I sent my sweetheart a quick and short email Sunday night just expressing my feelings. I wanted him to know right away instead of waiting for 2 weeks to find out I was having a hard time. That's the worst, honestly, not having immediate contact. I just wanted him to know.

So I sent him an email.

His reply a mere 5 hours later (3 AM my time) was incredible. It was happy. So happy. It was uplifting. It was loving. But most of all, it was centered around Christ and the Gospel.

One thing he said was: "Remember this: If you ever are struggling, turn to the scriptures. I promise that they will make things better. You'll find happiness through them. Try just opening up and reading a chapter next time you start crying. Remember that faith can give you hope, happiness, love, and can replace any fear or sadness you are feeling. He loves you. I love you."

Isn't this kid just incredible? He has the light of Christ with him, that's for sure. And although my despairs didn't totally dissipate, they were much made lighter and I ended up having a pretty good day, despite the rough and lonely weekend. After coming home, I opened up the windows to let the beautiful sunshine in, put some sweats on, and grabbed my Book of Mormon to read the assignment for the next day, 3 Nephi 13-14. As I was reading, two scriptures stood out. More like screamed at me that the Lord is there, watching out for me. A tender mercy, for sure.

3 Nephi 13:20-21: "But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."

Now for you to understand why this is a tender mercy, you must know this: From day 1 of his mission, he has called me his Schatje. Dutch for "little treasure." Get it now?

Man, the Lord is watching out for me.

dating.

3 words: I HATE IT.

I'm not entirely sure how to formulate my thoughts on the subject right now because I have so many opinions and emotions running through my head. It's difficult to organize what I want to say. But here goes nothing.

• Why, oh WHY do I only attract boys that are my height or shorter? I want to look UP to you, not feel like if I put on a 1 inch heel that I'll tower over you. Grow a foot, please, then come back.
• Actually, don't come back. None of you are cute anyway.
• I kind of want to wear a sign that flashes "I'm NOT flirting with you! I'm just a nice person who doesn't know how to flip the switch off!"
• I really don't like going on dates. In fact, I dread them. I also dread when I know the words "So, what are you doing on Friday?" are coming. I wish I could just disappear right then.
• How do I tell someone nicely that I don't like them? I'm a chicken. Last time I did it was over text. Shallow, I know. I wish I was more brave and less afraid of hurting someone.
• Can I wear another sign that says "I have a missionary, I do NOT want to talk to you." Please?
• Along those lines, I already have a best friend. I have someone who already loves me and whom I love. I find it rather pointless to go on dates when I already have that. Why try again? Start at ground zero? It took us two years to get to this point. I'd rather stick with what I have than go through all that time to make a new best friend.
• I wish that when I am sitting alone somewhere that I had a neon sign that says "Leave me alone. I don't want to talk to you." But no, apparently my headphones and staring at the computer screen with a textbook and notebooks sitting next to me AND completely avoiding eye contact aren't enough.
• Sometimes I really hate the university I attend because everyone (all the girls) have to look so much prettier than me all the time. I feel like they get all the attention from the cute boys. I feel like I'd have an easier time liking someone and being willing to go on a date with them if they're cute. Guess I have to get them to look at me first.

I know this post may seem very pessimistic and unnecessary. I do have to say this: that I wouldn't mind dating. I wouldn't mind having a boyfriend because frankly, it sucks to have your best friend halfway across the world. I'll be the first one to admit I miss holding hands, cuddling and things like that. I'd like to find that again. But it seems rather impossible seeing as I've only been attracting short, unattractive nerds.

Does that sound completely wrong? Rude? Offensive? Maybe. But I really just needed to get that out.

I miss having all the things that dating and having a best friend brings. It seems like a daunting task to start all over with someone else when I know I have what other people spend forever looking for.

I think that's all I had to say. This may be updated, so check back to see if it is. Thanks for listening to me rant.

how could I forget??

Because I have been MIA from the blogging world lately, I haven't seen my countdown at the bottom of my blog... Guess what I missed? DAY 100. Yes, day 100 since my sweetheart left for his mission. Man! I can't believe I forgot about it! But honestly, it feels so good to have the first 100 days done. Only 630 more to go, peeps! I can do this!

life lately

I apologize for the length of this. You don't have to read it. Just had to get my feelings out.


I feel like my life is a movie. That it's not real and I'm just watching someone else live what I should be living.
All I do is go to bed way too late and get up way too early.
And during the day?
I'm really not so sure. The day gets over before I know it and I'm never sure of what I have accomplished.
I lack the drive to study. I'm just skimming to get by. I don't even pay attention in class.
I think it's time to delete my facebook again.
I hardly even blog anymore unless it's about my missionary. What is this? Do I just not have anything to say?
I guess so.
My savings is going away. I live on my own. I don't really have any friends since I'm still new to the ward.
I miss high school and the opportunities there. I miss seeing all my best friends every day and sitting with them at lunch. Laughing. Talking. Having the best time of our lives.
Why did I ever want to leave that?
Oh well. I had to. And now I'm here. At a big university. Namely BYU. Which is basically a school of people trying way too hard to impress everyone else, girls trying too hard to look pretty and in turn make me look like crap, and where all the cute guys have dumb rings on their fingers.
I cry inside every time I see a cute guy with a flash on his left hand.
It kills me.
Can't my best friend just come home already?
Oh, and my bedroom at home has been turned into a science project. My sister is growing like 10 different things in there, all under different colored lights. It smells.
I want to spend the weekend at home to celebrate her birthday. Her response: "Um, you can't stay here. Your bedroom is occupied."
It made me a little upset.
I also don't like sharing a car. But in turn it's kind of nice because I don't have to pay for gas. But I'd rather not be forced to walk to school because I missed the shuttle.
Campus is a 30 minute walk. And at 7:30 in the morning it's absolutely freezing.
Not a good combo.
Is there anything else besides pasta to eat? Because I"m having a hard time finding dinners that don't involve it.
The days are a blur.
I want to make something and then find out I can't because I don't have sugar.
At home, that wasn't an issue. I miss that.
I miss not having to climb down metal bars just to get out of bed. And I hit my head or back or something every time without fail.
I liked having my own room.
I liked it when I had a savings account.
I liked having my own (kinda) bathroom.
It's kind of nice when you don't have to cook for yourself every night. I think I took my mom for granted.
I'll say it again: I really hate the competition at BYU. It's absolutely ridiculous. I feel like it's impossible to get any guy to look at me because there's so many other girls that try way too hard or don't try at all and still look impeccable. Or they have a ring.
Not that I'm looking for anyone. (I'M NOT.) It's just really really annoying.
I really wish I didn't have distractions like facebook to keep me occupied during class. I have not paid attention once in my physical science class.
Up until yesterday, I had never EVER been on time to my first class. Any day.
I miss texts of support. I miss arms to hold me. I miss being able to express all of this to him and he would always know how to help.
I hate the feeling of loneliness.
I hate the feeling that he doesn't exist.
Does he?
Haven't heard from him in almost 2 weeks.
I mean, I know that's nothing to complain about compared to other girls, but still. I don't want to have to do it.
I miss stability.
I miss music. It's impossible to do anything musical here without the ridiculous competition. High school? Orchestra? Best thing that ever happened to me.
Not sure why I had to leave it.
I think I'll become a super senior.
That sounds good.
I feel like I'm in a world of unknowns. Seeing faces I've never seen. Saying the same things over and over to new people I meet.
It gets monotonous and annoying.
Last night my roommates watched Inception. I think it got to my head.
When will things feel real again? When will I have a home I can call my own (for good) again? When will I have my best friend back? Was he real? I have my doubts.

I'm starting to wonder when I'll wake up.

i feel like i say it too much

But I love my best friend.
And I love letters.

Sorry if this gets annoying.

I spoke too soon!

Here it is, ladies and gentlemen:

Hey You :-)

I've been writing all week and will throw an epic letter in the mail tomorrow! Write me more! It's fun :-) I miss it! I'll hear from you soon!

Um, yes. This was in my INBOX. It's nothing really, but made me so flipping excited. I had written him twice (first and second days in the MTC) and I figured I would back off so as not to distract him. It was good to hear that he wanted me to write him :) Oh I love the kid!

i miss him.