thoughts.

This will be in no way organized because I just don't have time. But I need to say something somewhere to anyone who will read.

Having a missionary is draining. Hard work. An emotional rollercoaster. Something I'm not sure why I agreed to. Overwhelming. Frustrating. Lonely. Very lonely.

Sending off a best friend, who isn't said "missionary" but someone whom you love dearly is equally as difficult as previously said.

Often times I just want to give up. I'm sick of goodbyes. I'm sick of dreaming of past memories. I want those experiences back and at my fingertips. It's frustrating and sad to know that they'll never come back but only fade away with time. That things won't be the same. That friends will drift apart and leave you behind. It's just plain HARD.

This morning I was able to attend the temple with one of my best friends who is departing for the MTC tomorrow. Just me and him. Family file names. All 25 of them completed. We sat close to each other, he would put his hand on my back, I would hold onto his arm as we walked in the snow. It's safe to say I love him.

He will be a wonderful missionary.

But sometimes, I wish goodbye and being separated wasn't necessary.

It's okay to say I've been crying a whole lot these past few days.

Out of sadness and happiness. Out of reminiscing in memories. Out of love.

Good luck, Elder Driggs. I know you'll do great things.

See you in 2.

i miss him.

ups and downs.

Just 7 hours ago I was hysterical, crying in his shoulder.

I don't say much at dinner anymore and left the table about to burst into tears when my mom asked me to dust (I mean come on, dust?? Kinda ridiculous)

I started on homework trying not to think about things.

I got distracted (don't we all?) and got on facebook.

I saw that Elder Kyle Clements had posted a new letter.

I read it.

I read the previous one.

And the previous one.

etc. etc.

And then looked at his mission pictures.

Oh man did I get excited for my Elder to get out there!!

Now I'm as happy as can be.

What the heck???

Roller coasters make me exhausted.

weekly gratitude.

I'm gonna be quick here because my time with him is short and it's really inhibiting my ability to be happy and find the positives in life. It's hard. But here we go.

I'm thankful for:

{1} My mom's artisan bread. Um. Absolutely divine. So glad I still live at home!

{2} My geography TA's who put on an amazing review session that helped me get the grade I did on my midterm (89% baby... highest score yet!!)

{3} Good friends and football games

{4} My fellow ward members. Even though I don't know any of them, their testimonies are inspiring.

{5} My down comforter. Ah. Finally put it on and it's so comfortable and makes sleeping in my dungeon room more bearable in the cold weather.

That's about it, guys. I need to get better at this.

3 weeks left.

pity party.

I don't know how anyone does it.

I mean come on. Send off your best friend for a whole 2 years? No face to face contact for 24 months? 730 days without your best friend by your side every day to calm your fears?

It makes me cry every time I think about it.

I know I have about a month left with him, but that's nothing compared to how long he'll be away.

I'm still having a hard time getting used to it and believing that it's the right thing for him to do.

But I honestly just can't stand thinking about the fact he's completely shut out from the world and from me especially. It hurts me to see him so excited to leave because it seems like he's excited to leave me.

I know he's not. It just seems like it.

My mind is in a haze and has been the past two months. Time needs to slow down. I need my sweetheart longer. I never want him to leave.

Oh MG's, how do you do it?

the call.

Yes, I know. I've been talking all about missions lately.

But it all came so quickly around the same time that I can't help it.

My best friend has been called to serve.

In the Belgium/Netherlands mission, speaking Dutch!

He is so excited to go.

And it's hard.

It makes me so happy to see him so excited to go,

but then it makes me sick inside that he's so happy to leave me.

I know he's not leaving me intentionally, but it just seems that way.

It still doesn't seem real, but now all I can think about is Belgium/Netherlands mission...November 2nd...he's thrilled...I'm not as much...I'm losing my best friend...He's missing my birthday...mission...Where did the time go?...It's here...Let the countdown begin...NOOO!...November 2nd...Belgium/Netherlands mission...

Over and over and over in my head.

I feel like a jerk for not wanting him to leave me.

I feel like a selfish friend for getting upset and not being supportive.

I just don't know what to think or do anymore.

89 days left.

it's here.

That piece of paper that will change his life.

Determining how the next two years will be spent.

It's here.

And the wall is too. Miss him already.